Yesterday I was trying to eat some ice cream, but the kid I stole it from wouldn’t stop crying.

I went to a fancy dinner that had multiple sets of silverware and I panicked because I didn’t know what course the little fork was for. I shouldn’t have worried though, I got arrested for trespassing before anything was served.

One time I was bitten by a vampire. It gagged and ran away screaming.

One day I almost had sex. She took off her hair and put it on the nightstand. I was wearing some of those underwear that make your butt really big and I couldn’t get my pants off. She put her hair back on and left.

I wasn’t close with my dad.

We tried.

But one day we were eating ice cream
and watching cars on a highway.

My dad asked,
“what if we started rolling tires
into the road, just to see what happens”

And it was right there that I
loved my dad the most.

Maybe love is a farce.

Maybe it’s
the thing we say
to convince ourselves
we’re different.

But forget that.
Let’s call it love.

It can only be more than that,
but love
is the least
that it is.

I've got a dad body. That's why you shouldn't go down to the basement.

Of all the things I’ve read this year, the Dr. Suk slap sequence in Dictionary of the Khazars might be the thing I admire the most. I wouldn’t have thought of it and there’s certainly no way in a million years I could have ever written it.

Dog Judge: The court hereby finds you the most amazing and best person that ever lived!

Today I changed my mind. The new one isn’t very good either.

What do I have more of, concerns or money? Concerns.

If doing things was as easy as undoing things, I’d be way more productive.

I walked down a hill
got to the bottom
and realized—
this was the best walk I’ve ever had.

Most of that was because
it was all downhill.
I don’t like to exert myself.
I decided to live forever
at the bottom of that hill
and enjoy that good memory
for the rest of my life.

Now when it rains
I get a little boat
and let the water
take me where it will.
When the sun sets
behind the hills
it never existed for me.

You speak of birds.
I do not know what they are.
They may exist above my view
which never deviates
from keeping
the earth
in focus.

Eventually
I forget what it was like
to know of higher elevations—
that moment passes by,
unmarked.

I just learned I was accepted to the MFA program I wanted. That’s great news.

There is a type of poem I call a “ham” (there is a story behind this which I will not relate here). They are simple poems talking about kids, togetherness, holidays… warmth. I love them. They aren’t trying to be anything other than a fragile statement of appreciation cast into the winds of chaos.

I hope I encounter ham poems during this MFA and I’m serious. I want to hug those poems and bask in the glow of just such a pure thing. Heaven is likely made of ham poems.

On the flip side I know I will encounter lots of overly ornate poetry as well, which I just tend to skip in my own reading. I know I will have to build up reading stamina to get through them. This should be good for me.

Last night I dreamed
of a mushroom cloud in the distance.

I wasn’t sad.
Not even scared.

Just—
incredulous
that this
was someone’s idea of a solution.

Dear Sony,

As a former purchaser of Sony products, I must express my sincere displeasure that you continue to make streaming media apps available on your Playstation 5. Given the large number of DVD's I own, including many rare editions and steelbook series editions, I must urge you to reconsider allowing consumers to stream media when DVD is a superior medium. Your continued support of streaming apps directly undercuts dedicated collectors as myself who once relied on Sony technology, like DVD players, to view this media. Additionally, I would like to draw your attention to the fact that online streaming apps do not allow the richness of experience that DVD's allow through hidden tracks and extra commentary. Timeless audio features like Ben Affleck's commentary on Armageddon deserve to be included in the conversation with media itself. I represent a small but growing minority of frustrated consumers ready to boycott Sony if you continue to allow these travesties to continue.

I urge you to do what is right, not what is convenient. History will remember whether Sony stood with the streamers or with the true guardians of cinema.

I watched a lot of bad stand-up comedy and I wanted to offer these Jeff Parker-approved lines for people that want to steal them:

• I had this girlfriend once (this is the whole joke)
• I cannot bear the weight of this guilt because I skipped leg day
• Yesterday I went to this store. Today I went to this other store. OMG SO MANY STORES RIGHT?!
• What about hats, amirite?!
• As a kid I wanted to be an astronaut. My dad said “Jeff, you’re too dumb to be an astronaut”. I said “Okay” and decided to be something else.
• I thought about auditioning for America’s Got Talent but the routine I developed where I demonstrate I’m double-jointed in both thumbs only lasted 3 seconds.
• As a kid I had a really good friend down the street named Joey. His family moved really far away but they came back years later for a visit. Joey and I sat there silently, not knowing what to say anymore. Applause, please.
• Last week I started stacking a bunch of cardboard boxes in my backyard. My neighbor asked what I was doing and I looked at him and nodded while tapping my temples, implying I had a genius plan. There's no genius plan. I'm just stacking boxes here.
• I've been practicing my Jack Nicholson impression. I went to the bank and said I'm Jack Nicholson and I'd like to withdraw a million dollars. They asked me to fill out a withdrawal slip and present some ID. Cool, my impression must have totally worked.
• I had a teacher in high school say I wouldn't amount to anything. I have this blog, I showed them.

I finished reading Calvino’s Invisible Cities. There’s already ubiquitous praise for it so I have nothing new to add.

What’s on my mind is pondering what my experience would have been if I had tried to read it a long time ago. I’m not sure I would have made space for it in my life.

i saw a squirrel
his name was kevin stevens
that’s what he told me

spring light, waking earth
the sky whispers all around
“it’s kevin stevens”

paying my taxes
a porsche almost hit my car
it’s kevin stevens

kevin stevens, man
he came up into the club
left with all the girls

we need a hero
oh look there’s kevin stevens
he said he’s busy

in our final days
we curse the name of the one -
it’s kevin stevens

a ballad is heard
fire-lit inns across the land
“it’s kevin stevens”

The thing about poetry
is that it must be jeweled, baroque,
a palace where every verb is encrusted with sapphires,
every adjective perfumes the air with musk,
and even the comma arrives draped
in embroidered velvet.
No line can leave the house
without a powdered wig,
a monocle,
and a tiny gilded parasol.

The
    thing
about
       poetry
 is
    that
      it
     scatters
    itself
          like
 Legos
       on
    the
     floor,
  and
     then
           insists
  you
walk
           barefoot
across
 it.

The thing about poetry
is that it turns everything into a metaphor,
until the sky is an open wound,
the bread is regret,
your socks are the ruins of empires,
and your dog
is now a trembling allegory for
God’s silence.

The thing about poetry
is that it never laughs at weddings
but sobs in the frozen food aisle.
It clutches your hand and whispers,
my father is dead, my mother is dead,
my grandfather’s shadow is also dead,
until the milk spoils
and the cashier has to close her lane
out of respect.

The thing about poetry
is that I have become the mountain,
the wind, the cricket, and the entire cosmos.
O weary pilgrim, thou must
eat quinoa rinsed thrice beneath the moon
to grasp my sorrow.

All of my brilliant musings will go here.